Getting here..

I have personally lived with depression for almost 30 years. God thats a long time, I’ve been around for 41, so more than half my life? Jeebus, but I am here a little worn but still kicking, lol.

The journey that is my life, has moved me through many beautiful wonderful experiences that I am always grateful that I have had. But there are many trials and tribulations that have come after. Both have made me the person I am, but I have definitely needed help to get here.

Getting here I learned that needing help does not make me weak. I also know that letting people in is a good thing. Being hurt once is no reason to stop reaching out because once you do that you will slowly start too shut down. One person cannot be anyone’s entire support network, no matter how much they may love you.

I have also learned that everyone needs to get their own help, you cannot force wellness on someone. One of the most painful things I have learned is some people are just not meant too stay in your life, some are transient and some make their mark then leave.

My journey has brought me to a place where I am learning to love myself which may sound trite and be a simple thing, but is actually a really difficult thing to achieve.  I was always taught to listen to my family and do everything for your loved ones. This has led me to live a life that has put others first. I have always tried to be there for my friends and do what my family says but I put my own spin and that was use my friends issue’s to not deal with mine.

After much therapy, love and a little bit of selfishness I now know I have to take care of me first. This may sound selfish but in order to be here for my children, my husband and everyone else I need to take care of me.

Thankfully I have met my other half in life, my husband. He has always helped me and reminded me when I needed it, too put myself first. He gently reminds me that we don’t have just today, we have to be around for many years to come for each other and our babies.

Goodbye Abuelita

Last week my grandmother passed away. I did not expect to have a big reaction she has had alzheimers and dementia for about 10 years and the last couple of years have been particularly rough, expecially on her children. Including my mom. I truly thought I would be sad but it would be fine and I am now everything but…

My grandmother was the epitamy of kindess. One of my fondest memories of her is her keeping birds that she would find hurt or babies that she would nurse until they were better and could go on their own. One summer I was there and she found a baby bird and she showed me how to feed it and nurse the baby bird and it made it through the night, she told me that the bird was alive because I saved it. She showed me that it was okay to be kind even if wasn’t necessarily the smartest thing to do because it was in your heart to be kind because that is your nature.

My grandmother was a symbol for me of everything kind, pure and good in this world and now it’s gone.

That has hit me harder than I thought it would. I realize that it is a selfish reaction, she was in pain and her mind was only causing suffering, if not for her than definitely those around her. Now she is at peace and resting.

It is on me that my children and husband did not meet her and I did not see her again. It’s on me that I did not see her, too say goodbye. While I do feel bad I was not there to say good bye part of me is relieved. Relieved that I have my beautiful memories intact, that I have this amazing Abuelita that only ever loved and showed kindness. That gave amazing hugs and always did little things to make us feel special.

Her house will always carry warmth, conversations, laughter and love. I will only remember walking through the market place with her or going to get ice cream.  This woman that had stregth enough to endure through difficult circumstances and a painful childhood and came out strong, loving and sweet. Nothing she endured tainted her she kept her amazing giving nature through everything. Although I did not see her on her deathbed I still saw her for who she was, a strong woman full of love and courage, that I will always strive to make proud. My Abuelita Raquel will always watch over all of us because her heart was big enough for the world.

 

 

Balance…..

We have recently had our second baby. Now we have our little boy and baby girl.

My hubby and I could not be happier. These last few weeks have been kind of intense though. We had to get oral surgery done for our son and coordinate everything within a week after our daughter was born.

Did I mention our son is 3? After we went in to get this done why do 2 of his crown s fall out!?

We were told by the dentist that he may have breathed the tooth into his lungs and we had to go to the ER for an X ray! We were still worried and this came the day we finally got confirmation that our daughter did NOT need to be hospitalized, as we had to do Billirubin test because she was yellow and the test confirmed she was jaundice 😦

We got great news that day pound little Sabine was healthy and did not need to be hospitalized but we had to go-to the ER for our son.

Thankfully my mom was visiting, shes been here to try and help out. So we were able to drop off the baby on the way to the ER.

After about 3 hrs of waiting and talking to the doctor we get confirmation. Only one crown was swallowed nothing was aspirated into his lungs. THANK YOU BABY JEEBUS!!!

So we are told to keep an eye on his teeth but our poor baby can’t eat without being in pain so we push up his follow up and go talk to the dentist. Now we are told that pulling his two teeth would be the best option. By this point our poor son us traumatized when it comes to doctors, hospitals and dentists. He screams whenever we go anywhere that looks like any of the above.

Mind you in the past few weeks he has visited me at the hospital twice, we have gone to the dentist the pediatrician once for him and once for his sister, he has had dental surgery, and has been to the ER as well. My poor baby boy is so over it.

Gratitude

I have been trying to be aware and make an effort in keeping my perspective rooted in gratitude. I have so very much to be grateful for,a beautiful healthy baby girl. Along with a handsome curious boy that is our joy. A wonderful husband that always puts us first no matter what. My amazing hubby makes sure I take care of myself when I don’t “have time” or the inclination to do so.

I have so much too be grateful for I know this…. but sometimes just sometimes it can be hard to always BE grateful. Especially when you’re exhausted and experiencing anxiety or depression. This pregnancy has presented itself with the lovely bouquet of baby blues which are definitely exacerbated by the lack of sleep that a newborn brings. All of this was a big surprise, as I was blissfully unaware of postpartum depression with my son’s pregnancy.

When I do have lows I do try to realign myself as soon as I can. Taking a walk or a shower as those are in short supply when I’m running around after my newborn as well as trying to keep my toddler from being upset because he’s jealous of the baby in the house and of course trying to keep the house clean. Having financial issue’s is also a huge stressor. But thankfully I have a family that I can lean on with all of this. I know I do and yet we are still trying to do everything we can so we do not burden others. I know it takes a village and I TRULY understand that now. But we do not want to burden anyone if we don’t have too.

I have anxiety and worries brought on by postpartum depression but my amazing husband has Generalized Anxiety on an everyday basis and because this pregnancy has been so difficult for me it has definitely heightened his anxiety. He has the weight of the world on his shoulders.

When I go spinning into a worry spiral, he is my anchor and brings me back down to reality. He is my knight in shining armor. Not because he saved me from someone. But because he saved me from myself, and he did it by giving me back hope and the belief that things do workout. Ever since I embraced that belief wholeheartedly with him as my partner in life everything HAS WORKED OUT, shocking but true. Not that we haven’t had issues and problems but we bulldoze forward….ALWAYS. Thankfully everything has worked out, which is what I try to remember.

Through this rollercoaster ride called life. I try to always remember that I have someone that is so much more, he is my soulmate, my best friend, and my partner in thus journey. This beautiful human being has given me a family and a home, I lived my life like I really had nothing to lose up until him. Now I have so much that I could not bear to lose. As long as my family is okay everything else will fall into place, I just need to remember that. They are what remind me to be grateful because after all I this is MY FAMILY, after 40 years of existence I have found my happiness and could not be more grateful.

Baby Blues….

I am currently 26 weeks pregnant! Which is amazing, scary and everything in between. I am so excited to greet our baby girl and I feel so very blessed to be able to have a second child. Being able to keep either pregnancy was no small feat for us.  We have gone through several miscarriages, and an ectopic pregnancy. All of which took a toll on my husband and I as well as our relationship.

However, we came out the other side stronger, and with a beautiful baby boy that is the light of our lives. This pregnancy though, has it been a doozy!! This time around my emotional highs and lows are a bit on the extreme side. I mean I had them with my son don’t get me wrong, but the standard crying at the hallmark commercial has gotten a healthy steroid shot. As an example a few weekends ago, was the pinnacle of all of this.

I was with my husband and son at our house my son was bored and a little crazy and his amazing daddy was making him some Newtonian fluid aka cornstarch and water so he could play with and be amazed. He brings it over to me and is like look!! Almost as excited as I expected my son to be 🙂 he proceeds to pour into my hands—maybe not such a good idea?….Maybe. We then find out that the liquid had a little bit too much water and the Newtonian fluid got EVERYWHERE!!

I started to hop around like STOP pouring and start to laugh hysterically as I’m dripping Newtonian fluid on the carpet and the sofa. As I start to laugh I realize that I HAVE TO PEE NOW so  I run into the bathroom dropping cornstarch down the hallway and in the bathroom, as I have a laughing fit. I finally make (or not quite make it) and I sit there with this cornstarch everywhere peeing. All of which is hilarious until I realize that I need to shower because I did pee myself and I covered in cornstarch fluid.

This starts a cascade effect as I realize I peed myself because I couldn’t hold it like an adult I proceed to start to cry while still laughing mind you. So no I look like a crazy person and my husband comes in to check on me and he feels so bad and keeps telling me its okay and all I can do is laugh/cry. YAY!!! The glory of pregnancy!

In spite of all of this I still feel so lucky. I thought for a very long time that I would not be able to have children. We were on the verge of going to an endocrinologist to see why I was having such a hard time keeping a pregnancy. By that point I had had a three miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy which ended up removing my right ovary completely. After all of that I thought the option to have a baby had been taken from my hands and it was something I took really hard. I was in a very dark place and the loss nearly ended our relationship. We made it through by communicating as much as we could at times he would pry it out of me but we made it through, stronger together.

This time around has been so different I have known from about 2 months that I am pregnant. This little girl has kicked my butt!!! My hormones have been on a roller coaster, my body has been feeling sore and I am pretty much exhausted not too mention that and I’m 31 weeks and as big as when I have birth to my son! Kind of afraid of how big I will be given that I still have at least 9 weeks to go, IF I don’t get induced before!

The one thing that has affected me more than anything so far are my hormones. When I get sad, or have something that’s on my mind my anxiety skyrockets. Fortunately or unfortunately depending on your point of view, I am really not equipped to deal with that kind of anxiousness. My head tends to run away with me, and I deal with it how I have always dealt with my emotions which was attempting to detach and compartmentalize. Which is really a fail, cuz it does not work.

Especially with my wonderful husband, he really pays attention to me which is the first time I have experienced that. Most of the time my friends and family just accepted what I would say I could always hide my emotions, but not with him. He sees me, always. I know I am so lucky to have him and I am so very grateful every single day that I have him, that I have my son and that I have this little one on the way. These are the thoughts that have kept my anxiety at bay, we will figure anything that comes our way together because we always do and we are stronger together, always.

 

 

 

 

Miscarriage….

Recently, I had my 3rd miscarriage. Before that we had an ectopic pregnancy to spice things up! For those of you who are not aware, as I was really unfamiliar with all the things that can go wrong with a pregnancy…… until I tried to have a baby.

An ectopic pregnancy, is a pregnancy that does NOT attach to your uterus. No this bugger stays in the fallopian tubes and can cause things to explode. Yes, you read that right. Your fallopian tube can explode. sounds like science fiction I know.

I am talking about the miscarriage I had. So I actually caught everything early I took a pregnancy test and went to the ER per my doctor’s request. I was expecting…….I don’t know what I was expecting but I was expecting SOMETHING to happen. Instead I was told to wait and see, no magic pill.

A couple of days later back to ER to see if my hormone levels were low. In the waiting room I started to cramp badly and pretty much knew that was it.

Now it’s been about 2 months almost 3 since I lost the baby. I was so tired of having sad holidays. Normally I am all about the holiday’s they were always a big thing in my house and everyone was happy there was always food cooking all the good stuff.  But before my son was born I had the ectopic and spontaneous abortions (medical term). That kind of put an downer on all the holiday stuff.

Then after my son the complete opposite happened I embraced everything again. On top of which my mom was here so OMG we went crazy. Tamales, pozole and chiles in vinegar so much food.  Now I’m in a weird place, I want everything to be amazing for my family and I am trying to be in the mood. But god is it exhausting. We are running around trying to get everything ready. My husband of course is amazing and perfect; And he’s trying so hard to get me to process everything and talk, just FREAKING TALK.  But all I can do is run around and BE HAPPY trying so hard to BE HAPPY.

But all I really want to do is to go and hide. I don’t want to talk because every time I try I cry. I just think why does this keep happening? What is wrong with me? My worst fear is, what if that was my last chance.

I find of all of this kind of funny and ironic as well. I was the girl who keeps saying she was not going to have kids or get married, ever since I was 13. Now I am married to my soulmate and I have one beautiful amazing baby. He’s my little miracle, and I was hoping I could have one more little miracle but the Cosmo’s said no, not right now.

Now its been a little over two months and I feel like it just happened. I am RAW. I want to yell and scream and cry. I’m mad at my work for the stress it put me through because what if that is why I miscarried. I want to know why the universe said no again. I want to be over the hurt. My body took its moment to heal now my heart and should feel so very wounded.

I think we both thought that we had one now we can have another and we will be okay because we’ve already had so much loss. But my body said no not now. Part of me wants to rush and be done with the hurt and move on. But I cannot forget….I lost my baby she is gone that I cannot forget. I want to remember her always. But I need to move forward with joy because I have my beautiful son and who knows maybe when I am strong enough I can have another try.

I found this very fitting…

 

I Am Here

© Stacey Jo Rumberger

Published: July 2012

Please don’t cry, I am here
just look around, I am very near
I am the prettiest butterfly
exploring the day
I am the shiniest star
showing you my wings glisten afar
I am the wind moving your hair
to kiss your cheek
so please wipe your tears away,
I am here, playing hide n seek

Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/poem-for-the-loss-of-a-baby-i-am-here

 

 

Day of giving thanks….

So this is a little late, it took a minute for me to get everything down. …

This thanksgiving was spent with my small family and it was lovely.  No running around to go to someone’s house AND no need to prep the house for additional visitors!

Don’t get me wrong, I love having friends and family over. But this Thanksgiving right now was the most peaceful and thankful that I have had in a while. Not concerned with extended family or friends and making sure everyone is comfortable and eating food they like. Cleaning everything for visitors or making sure the house is organized.

My reality this Thanksgiving was a bit of a messy house, toys strewn about, laundry that needed to be done, and my 2 yr old son was not in his Sunday best instead he was in comfy clothes. My husband and I were dressed nicely but… I was barefoot! Not something I could do with my mother around, not at all!

This day and the way we spent it was so lovely.  We spent a portion cooking and “tasting” everything we cooked…lol . Then we made our  table and ate!! Drank some wine and ate our dessert!! I thoroughly enjoyed being with my little family.

The year has been a little hard for us. So much violence around the world, some close to home.  And personally we had another miscarriage. You would think after having my third it would be old hat, but it really isn’t. The low from that loss feels so very low because it comes at the heels of a high that is so very high. YAY a baby!!!! Then you blink and that’s gone.

I felt dazed afterwards because I can’t seem to get used to those extreme emotions back to back.  As always my husband was amazingly wonderful. I have no idea how he does it truly, but he always says the right thing and makes me feel so loved. He makes everything feel okay, no matter what is going on around us. I am so very fortunate to have that love in my life, and I thank the powers that be everyday for him.

But the thing that really centered me after that loss was my son. His face, the miracle of his being with us, after two miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy. I have my miracle my beautiful baby boy.

 

That face made me realize how blessed we are and although I was sad for the loss I was grateful I have him and my husband.  Our family although small is such a blessing and everything we have gone through has been worth having this little boy to hold everyday. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

CAMPING with a BABY……yes we did that!

So about a week ago my husband , our 21 month old son ( about a 1 year and a half for those not used to baby ages) and I went camping in the woods of Red Sequoia National Preserve. It was a daunting endeavor as I have never been camping in my life and never expected to be out there for the first time with my young son.

My husband and I were both a little bit scared, in the middle of nowhere what if he hit his head on a rock or went into the river and got dragged off!! Our nightmare’s not withstanding we did it.

Our reward was one of the best experiences I have ever had. Our baby boy LOVED it every single minute of it. Let me also clarify that we went CAMPING not “Glamcamping”, which I did not even know was a thing.  For those as ignorant as me here is an example:

Where do you even find an outlet?! And how do you transport all of that? Is this done over a year and left there? I have no idea how this is possible…Well needless to say that this was NOT our experience. No Glam-camping and no camper.

We were in a tent in sleeping bags. On top of all this roughing it in nature my husband forgot to pack ANY cooking equipment. No pans no utensils NOTHING, but much to my surprise none of that really mattered we got foil and some disposable tin pans and made due. No one was upset or stressed or bothered. We were too busy enjoying everything.

We weren’t crabby or upset or bothered. Instead we were calm, happy and had the time of our lives. Being outside unplugged from Facebook, Instagram, the news and out of reach of everyone.  We enjoyed each other, the scenerary and the calm that all of this brought us.

The trip centered us both and brought a whole new perspective. One that both my husband and I sorely needed. The views we had could not have been better and I am looking forward to an amazing new tradition for our family 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anxiety

So first thing today I did a search on wordpress to find a blog or post regarding anxiety and nothing came up…..I found that a little strange. since as an adult I have met multiple people that deal with a myriad of  levels of  anxiet and some that have been diagnosed with anxiety. As an adult some family members have even come to light as having struggled with it as well.

I wanted to find an article that could make me feel better about my encounters with anxiety, I am not a sufferer of it but my husband, the love of my life is. There are days that this disease sinks its teeth and drags us both down. Sometimes I’m not sure if it is anxiety or something I am not doing that I should be doing and the there are times I don’t know if it’s just me chalking it up to his disease!

My husband has been working hard on getting healthier coping mechanisms for his anxiety of thinking of things from another perspective. I am so very proud of all the work he has put in and at how much progress he has made. Usually I am in a positive state of mind and I see all of the growth he has done and I can normally identify when he will have some issues. I have been able to identify some triggers and patterns of behavior.

Then there are days when the disease makes me doubt everything. What am I doing wrong? Should I shield him from things that will upset him? Should I be more loving? What am I doing that is causing this? Some of the many many things that go through my head. Then he gets some clarity and we talk and afterwards.

I KNOW that I cannot shield him from the world and I know there are triggers that happen that I don’t hear about. But I do know that the we talk, we always talk and that is huge. Keeping our communication open so that when something is on his mind he can talk to me and when something is on my mind we can talk, no matter what.

I know I am not the only person that has a loved one in their life with Anxiety or other disorder. There are so many people out there that have mental health issue’s that they need help with and that affects their loved ones. I really think that hearing someone else’s story(or rant) can help.

I know it helps me, and I know my husband and I are stronger as a couple because of everything we have gotten through AND he is so very worth it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Controversy = News?

via Daily Prompt: Controversy

Now a days I feel like controversy just is the news…..whether it’s political, celebrity or just regular news. Everything seems to be controversial, then I wonder…….

Did my parents feel like this when I was growing up?!

They had to deal with the cold war and if I’m being honest celebrity news has always been senationalized and controversial. I truly wonder if its just because now I’m fully adulting and become more aware of world events and such.

Wow……… being an adult is truly overrated sometimes!!