Last week my grandmother passed away. I did not expect to have a big reaction she has had alzheimers and dementia for about 10 years and the last couple of years have been particularly rough, expecially on her children. Including my mom. I truly thought I would be sad but it would be fine and I am now everything but…
My grandmother was the epitamy of kindess. One of my fondest memories of her is her keeping birds that she would find hurt or babies that she would nurse until they were better and could go on their own. One summer I was there and she found a baby bird and she showed me how to feed it and nurse the baby bird and it made it through the night, she told me that the bird was alive because I saved it. She showed me that it was okay to be kind even if wasn’t necessarily the smartest thing to do because it was in your heart to be kind because that is your nature.
My grandmother was a symbol for me of everything kind, pure and good in this world and now it’s gone.
That has hit me harder than I thought it would. I realize that it is a selfish reaction, she was in pain and her mind was only causing suffering, if not for her than definitely those around her. Now she is at peace and resting.
It is on me that my children and husband did not meet her and I did not see her again. It’s on me that I did not see her, too say goodbye. While I do feel bad I was not there to say good bye part of me is relieved. Relieved that I have my beautiful memories intact, that I have this amazing Abuelita that only ever loved and showed kindness. That gave amazing hugs and always did little things to make us feel special.
Her house will always carry warmth, conversations, laughter and love. I will only remember walking through the market place with her or going to get ice cream. This woman that had stregth enough to endure through difficult circumstances and a painful childhood and came out strong, loving and sweet. Nothing she endured tainted her she kept her amazing giving nature through everything. Although I did not see her on her deathbed I still saw her for who she was, a strong woman full of love and courage, that I will always strive to make proud. My Abuelita Raquel will always watch over all of us because her heart was big enough for the world.
liveartjourney 